the reflective capacity: “cogito, ergo sum”

Between man and all those that belong to Kingdom Animalia, there is an eternal chasm. Of all creatures, only man is capable of rational thinking. Rene Descartes exclaimed: “Cogito, ergo sum.” Translated, “I think therefore I am”. But there is even a greater divide between the rest of the members of his kingdom: It is only man who is capable of thinking that he is in fact thinking. In a word, man is capable of reflection, of transcending himself from his present existence.

The Myth of Sisyphus has been like a biblical parable to the existentialists. While the Garden of Eden saw Adam and Eve created to multiply, subdue the earth, and have dominion over all things, Sisyphus was condemn to roll the stones up the hill, and when it reaches the peak, the stone rolls down. For Sisyphus, there is no end to the eternal damnation. Since he was damned, he has to find meaning of the existence he did not choose.

But confronted with the circumstance of his existence, he has to project something beyond the present, beyond his present circumstance. In a word, in the face of the absurdity of rolling the stone upwards, there got to be meaning; otherwise, absurdity can easily turn to insanity, if not to suicide.

Human existence – stripped of the religious content, of the faith element which no argument is needed – is of Sisyphean genre. Every day, man devotes his time learning, working, socializing, ministering to his material and spiritual needs as well. But after all the lifetime of doing all these, everything is reduced to a dust, as all humans are destined. Life, and living it, is one prolonged trajectory from the cradle to the grave. After all the time spent surviving and living, ironically, every day spent is a day inching towards the grave. If life would have to end in that absurd way, why live at all?

For the religious, faith teaches him that there is afterlife. If there is afterlife, then the present existence must be spent following the rules the Creator ordained for human salvation. In the light of the promising future, there is meaning in what one does at present.

But the grace of faith, even if is bestowed on all humans, is not all the time recognized and lived. What then of present life? And besides, supposed there is no after life, what to make of one’s life? Would it mean that people are licensed to commit suicide because living and trying to survive is absurd?

Man is thrust in the world without freedom. No one choose to be born. But having been born alive, he is called upon to live and survive the kind of life that he wants, a life project that he has to forge and nurture. One realizes though that the other fellow human beings were born, and many will be born, without any option not to. If the mother’s womb nourished the fertilized egg until it is born, society is the womb that enables human to survive and live, using the tools of civilization – language, mores history, culture. Not only did man not choose to live, he too has to reckon with another given in his life – his social milieu.

Why does one grope for meaning in life? Why does Sisyphus have to appreciate the drudgery of rolling the stone upwards, and up again every time the stone rolls down? Take out the meaning content of life, and you lose the reason to continue living. And why does one have to have meaning in order to go on living? The key lies in man’s nature. Man not only thinks, but he is the only living being that is aware that he is thinking. Due to this human faculty of reflection, he is capable of finding meaning. Ironically also, man’s capacity to reflect is the same reason why he feels the gnawing angst if he loses meaning in living further. If man cannot relate something transcendental to his present existence, he feels the existential angst which all men are heirs to. This angst is the feeling of loneliness in a crowd, the barrenness of life amidst material plenty: it is the sadness that lays hidden behind the smile.

For animals, the definition of their nature and their kind of life is summed-up easily by their present circumstance. Man, on the other, is not defined by his present circumstance because he has transcendent nature, the capacity of going beyond the circumstance as he waives dreams, and fashions a meaning which is only accessible to him. You heard tales of great men who, despite the face of death, still uphold their ideals and dreams, men who dared to lose their lives so their life project, the meaning of their existence survives.

Because man reflects, he transcends the present. He is willing to lose his life so the meaning of his life may not be put to naught.

But ironically, man’s capacity for self-awareness, for reflection is also the bane that he carries until the grave. As one takes a mental picture of the kind of life he intends to live, and compare it with his present circumstance, there he realizes that there is a seeming unbridgeable divide. Even as he tries to realize his life project, his present prevents him from doing so, and even if he tries to bridge it, it appears that life project is receding further beyond his reach.

There was a boy born of poverty. He dreamed to be a doctor. By sheer diligence and hard work, he realized his dream. He succeeded. He acquired material wealth which he only dreamt of before. He became prominent. But then, even with his success. He committed suicide. We ask why?

Man’s projection of himself differs vastly in content. The doctor, owing to poverty may have dreamed of acquiring material wealth. The sure road is the medical profession which is paid handsomely. Yet, he may have realized later on that what really completes him is not material wealth, but something which may be yet undefined.

What then characterizes this meaning in life? Is the goal we set the meaning of our life? Take the doctor. He has achieved his goal but he snuffed out his own life. The problem with a goal being the end-all and be-all of one’s life is that when we achieve the goal, we realize that it never completes us otherwise we see no more reason for living. We struggle in life because there is something yet missing, something that we have to find. Once a goal is achieved, there will always be another one, and still another. The heart will always be restless.

The meaning of life, the true meaning that is, lies in the way we live life, in finding happiness in everything we do, not in the fleeting euphoria after having achieved a goal. This way, you do not hunger for what is not within your grasp because you are at peace with what you are and with what you have. Sisyphus did not aim to roll the stone upwards because there was a futility of the effort. If we aim to amass wealth, acquire knowledge, achieve the goals, the absurdity of it all is that when we die, all these turn into dust. The key therefore is to transcend ourselves and find the kind of life that we find our heart at peace with. That way, every step towards the Sisyphean apex is a source of joy notwithstanding that up the hill, the stone rolls down again; just all men, everything they do, end up in the grave.

The tragedy of life is not in failing to achieve the meaning of life, but to die without finding the meaning of his existence.

 

simplify life

Peter, at the age of 28, is two ranks away from becoming the captain of an international ship, after just seven years in the sea.  While others envied him for his stellar rise, he suddenly stopped, and decided to go home, and restart life by going back to school and study another course.  I asked him why, and he said: “ I have whispered so many dreams to the surging waves, and whilst my time in the vastness of the ocean.  For once, I want to sleep in my own pillow where my heart rests at peace”.

I dreamt of becoming a lawyer with lucrative practice, and be a politician.  After just five years into law practice, I was in the law firm where clients have to secure appointments, and a firm where I could launch my political career, one partner being a congressman already.  Then suddenly, I realized that I wanted a simpler life.  In 1999, I chose to resettle and open a new law office, and started all over again.

When the new year is only nights away, it is time to reflect on what one has done and has failed to do for the year,  and yes, not even for a year, but of the years one have lived so far.

People have amassed wealth. Bill Gates was once the richest until he gave to others the chunk of his wealth.  Others sought fame and glory.  Still others put a harem.  Bin Laden chose the path of terror.  But when people reach the top of the ladder of the path they have opted for, they realize that the ladder ends in eternity.  There is no so-called peak of wealth, fame, glory, and yes, even infamy.  When you think you reach there, you realize that there is something still which you can never reach nor acquire.

Many have burnt their life energies in pursuit of their dreams, only to realize that there is something lacking, that the dreams can never come in complete fruition.  Others even die without knowing if they have reached the apex of their dreams.  Still many choose death in utter frustration of the inherent impossibility of achieving the fullness of their dreams, and of their desires. Worst, there are those who died without even knowing what dreams they have had.

Human existence has, as it were, always “a hole in the donut”.  There can be no fullness in living.  Man like a donut, has always that existential “hole” that prevents him from being complete, of being fully satisfied; otherwise, if there is no such hole, he ceases to be human, and the donut ceases also.

Fr. Michael Moga, S.J.,  the principal exponent and author of Man’s Infinite Hunger,  once told our class: “ The key is not to achieve, to acquire, to dream: the key does not lie beyond but is inside your heart.  Try to ask yourself, what truly makes you happy and content, where can your heart find peace and solace, if you have found this, then live that life.”

I asked Peter why he stopped being a seaman, and choose to live frugally.  He told me: “For seven years I stayed in the ship, I had only one vacation every two  years but  I earned dollars.  P1000 then was only a loose change. I can easily give the money away.  I could buy food, wine, and women. During thirty days of vacation, I could do everything I wanted to.  Then after, back to the reality of surging waves and the expanse of the ocean.  In a word, I bargained two years for thirty days of bacchanalia, hedonism, and gluttony.  Now, every penny counts. I don’t stay in hotels anymore but stays in the house of relatives and become closer to them.  I do not ride in taxis anymore but in public vehicles where I got to talk to co-passengers who are my neighbors, and we exchange jokes while riding.  Since I do not have money, I do not go out on Sundays but I instead go to the church where the priest will not compel you to give tithes.  So I become closer to God.  I am happy for the full one year without losing my life n the seas.”

The key to living is not of having nor achieving but of finding meaning.  When I was young, I could not understand why my grandfather would close the door of his room, and do nothing for the day but read books.  When he died, and I was tasked to give a eulogy,  I was thinking of what to say.  Then I went inside his room, and browsed the books.  There I realized that for every line of every page, there was always a comment or a cross reference.  Reading his books, due to sheer volume,  could last a lifetime.  So only a man who found meaning in reading the books could so passionately comment on every line the author  said.  When I was called to give the eulogy, I was almost tempted to say: “Here lies a man who had uninterrupted lifetime of orgasm reading books”.  In deference to my elders, I simply said: “ My grandfather has no wealth, has no diploma, but he had the fullness of life he only knew, and had we known, we could only envy about.”

Before I decided to relocate my law practice, I was a  heavy, and gasping 86 kilos, thanks to  birthdays,  baptisms, anniversaries, or plain charivaris among buddies, which an aspiring politician cannot  refuse. Home everyday was early dawn when my children and wife were already sleeping.  Even in the house, clients would come, taking away the time that I should have spent with my kids.  Then I resolved that I did not have to be a high profile lawyer.  Deep in my heart, I was only longing for the simple joys of trial works, of cross-examinations and arguments, without sacrificing a family.  In an attempt to balance my life, I relocated my practice and simplified my life to work, tennis court, and home, and attending parties do not come as obligation.

I do not claim to have the fullness of life but I never regret my decision to start life anew.  Hopefully, Peter, who just made his decision three months ago,  will not also regret later in life.

paradigms

I have devoured books. Books about sports, history, bios, philosophy, religion, and even, banned books. I too read pornography, and true art as well. What I am now, for sure, is not not only the synergy of the real lessons in life but also, the teachings the books taught me. Real lessons, once learned, cannot be unlearned: like a chronic disease, they become part of your being.

But in our readings, there are books which we imbibe the most, books which become prisms on how we view society and life in general. Two authors stand out for me: Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel and Stephen Covey.

Hegel’s The Philosophy of History demonstrated the well – known dialectical reasoning of thesis-anti thesis and the resulting synthesis. For him, reality as we know it is the unfolding of the progression of the human thought, the dialectical materialism; that for every stage in history, there is the embryonic seed of destruction that would result to a synthesis which is a progression of the former state of things, which synthesis, in turn become the thesis in the historical ladder.

Heavy concepts , it seems. When I read Hegel’s books, at first, I thought I was facing a blank wall. I had to read several of his books before I took hold of his idea. The idea is actually unfolded in history. The affluence that wealth brings in capitalist America is the boon and bane of that state. Because people live in comfort and luxury, the incoming generation tend to be less industrious compared to the fathers that toiled for the wealth. There is the loosening of morals and discipline, essential traits of the nations that brought the wealth. The thesis, the wealthy society that is America, therefore, generated its own seed of destruction, the coming of the generation that marvels at comfort and luxury without the corresponding industry and discipline which the fathers had.

The anti-thesis of a free and honest election is the massive cheating, fraud and terrorism. But that too will necessarily end, not now perhaps, but if we follow the Hegelian dialectic, it will have its end, or at least refinement, in a new synthesis. Why? Because the anti-thesis of the free election, if pushed to its limits, carries with it its own demise. Massive electoral cheating, if it becomes intolerable, will invite its fierce foes.

What does this idea of dialectical materialism impact on me? I view events positively. When I read the horrible headlines, my spirit is not necessarily dampened. Terrorism, corruption, electoral cheating, these too shall pass and be resolved in a new synthesis. These are mere material manifestations of the progression of human history, and the evolution of the human thought. When this anti-thesis to a good society is exemplified in its worst forms, society will inevitably bring forth the synthesis. The wrong idea of actors being elected to office reached its apex during Erap’s election, and that the idea, as shown by the recent polls have to be killed. Cesar Montano, Richard Gomez, Lito Lapid were sent packing for their movie shoots and not the public offices.

The second book that impacted on me tremendously which changed my paradigm about people is that of Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It was gifted to me on my natal day by somebody I treasure for a lifetime. Accordingly, every actuation of a person can be understood based on a paradigm. Why do some Muslims regard Christians with enmity? Go to their paradigm. For them, we Christians are still the infidels who have desecrated their religion. If you understand where they are coming from, you understand the manifestations of their paradigm, and the greater your tolerance for cultural differences. Why does my eldest kid misbehave? Then go where she is coming from. Her next sibling followed barely a year after. When she needed our parental care and understood what it meant, we were coddling mostly the newborn. Her misconduct is a way of telling us that she too exists and needs coddling. Covey’s book opened my reservoir of compassion to other people. When I see people and their actuations, I relate these to their respective paradigm.

If every person would just view each other’s actuations based on the paradigm of that person, then the world will be very peaceful. Pope Benedict XVI, in fact, when he made a speech in a German university, though he was heavily criticized, invited Muslims and Christians to a true dialogue, a deeper understanding of the true bases of our discord.

The way we relate to people based on their respective paradigm is a paradigm in itself. But lest I may be misunderstood, Covey’s book is not an invitation to tolerate the commission of a wrong. Our paradigm is limited to our own perceptions and experiences. As my late professor in Metaphysics, Fr. Montero said: quid quid recipitur, recipitur secumdum mudum recepiendi. {Translated, things are received or perceived depending on the capacity of the receiver}. Ones paradigm and his understanding depends largely on his capacity to perceive and understand. Though our paradigms differ, the manifestations must be guided with the natural law of right and wrong. Killings cannot be tolerated just because one paradigm allows it. To detonate a bomb to kill the infidels may be understood in the light of one’s religious paradigm. But understanding and tolerance are different concepts. To kill a person, not in self-defense, cannot be universally accepted nor can it be justified in the tribunal of our conscience. I may understand why you box me, but hell, I cannot tolerate that it be done to me.

Should I keep these lessons throughout my lifetime? I doubt. Hegel said that the true nature of man is unfolding yet in history. The kind of life and being that I may become in the future is not a fixture, definitely not static. The lessons I have, true enough, may be not be unlearned, but as I march to towards life, I may find my own thesis-antithesis-synthesis, that the idea I treasure most, may find a different expression.

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trading off for a kind of life

The pace of modern life has been taking its toll. South Korea’s economy has zoomed to greater heights. Japan has always been a powerhouse economy. And yet, if the economy is doing extremely well, then why suicide rates are very high in these countries. Karl Marx once said, ” The economy determines consciousness”. We may hasten to ask, “What kind then of consciousness does affluence bring?”

 

T’was May 9, 1991 when I took my oath as a lawyer. In the afternoon, my lawyer-auncle invited me to join his law firm in Manila, the capital of the Philippines. He scheduled a party bash three days after my oath-taking. He intended to invite his clients and friends so that I would be formally introduced as a new member of the firm.

 

The invitation would have opened the doors of financial affluence on my part. Having been raised in a poor family, the chance to practice law big time and the perks that go with it, was so tempting for a poor fellow who could not by then even afford a motorcycle.

 

Yet, that night of the same day, I had to down beers so that I could sleep. The promise of financial affluence in the big league of law practice was hard to resist. It would mean opportunities for me and my siblings. I was dreaming of mansions and fast cars and the neon lights.

 

But the reality of life in Manila knocked me. I was imagining my life there. I could not imagine but the break-neck pace of daily, routinary life. To avoid the traffic, I would have to wake-up at 4 o’clock in the morning, and hope to be at the office by eight. But then , cases are heard in courts usually at nine in the morning when traffic is horrendous. I recall one time when due to traffic and flooding, it took me nine hours from the airport to the University of the Philippines when normally, the travel time was only thirty minutes. In the evening, I have to leave for home after six in the evening when traffic would not be a problem anymore. To cap it all, the smog and pollution in the city would mean I have to take my anti-allergies daily, for life.

 

The following day after my conversation with my auncle, I decided to go home in Cagayan de Oro City. When I arrived home, I immediately called my auncle, and told him my decision. As expected, I received a bashing from him. I understood him. He could not understand why I would have to trade-off sure affluence to a dull and uneventual rural life. So he thought.

 

The other day, I had a drink with a lawyer friend in Camiguin, a small province of only 60,000 population, with only one superior court. He graduated from Ateneo de Manila, the number one law school in the Philippines. Graduates of that school would become politicians, opinion-makers, and legal luminaries. Yet, he chose to practice law in the sleepy province of Camiguin. I asked him why , he replied,” because time stops in Camiguin“. He is in control of his time, and life.

 

Controlling ones time is what all along I have traded off from the sure affluence in Manila. In the province, you don’t have to rush anything. You control the pace of your life, you become, as in the famous poem entitled Invectus, ” I am the captain of my ship, I am the master of my soul”. You have sure footing on the ground and as you look up at the sky, you know your place on it.

 

Achievement takes its toll on ones life. You have to be ahead of the pack and that means every second of your life should be directed at reaching ahead of the others. The race for wealth will engulp a person soon. The race controls him. The concerns to play with family, to take a time-off, takes a back seat. Ironically, when one wins a race, he looks upon others who are in another race, in another league much bigger than his. He blindly embarks on a new race. In a sense, he loses his own life project. At the end of the road, people realize that the lives they have built are not theirs; instead, it is something set by the circumstances, and therefore a life they cannot claim to be theirs. The tragedy is one loses touch with his core. The race has determined ones life. There is here an alienation of oneself to himself. This is a paradox that explains why otherwise normal people take their lives.

 

What I actually traded off was affluence in favor of quality of life. I wish my auncle were still alive and realize what I traded off for. He would have understood why Jimmy Ongpin, his friend, a billionaire, a secretary of finance of the government, took his own life, at the pinnacle of material success.

Man’s Infinite Hunger

 

The tragedy of human existence is its finiteness amidst the capacity of man’s infinite hunger: hunger for fortune, fame, and power.

Clint Eastwood, in one movie said: “The man in the gutter works so he earns money. He needs money to buy him food. He needs food to give him energy. He needs energy to enable him to work.” He sees man’s Sisyphean damnation on earth.

Yet man, though has his feet deeply planted on the ground, is capable of weaving dreams, of wanting to go beyond the Sisyphean cycle, of perpetually wanting more for what he already has. Though the myth of Sisyphus is the favourite among existentialist philosophers, yet its relevance on human experience only tells of an open ended-story. Sisyphus is not a summation of human existence. That is why it remains in its proper genre, a myth.

There was this child who was raised in the most of the rural setting. His friends never exceeded twenty two because that was the only number of kids in his small place. There was no electricity. The public school was made of pre-fabricated materials. He was always on top of his class because they are only few and the teachers were all his aunts or uncles. The Christmas and New Year’s eve always consisted of baked rice and if the pocket would allow, pancit canton.

One day, the kid went to the city with his father. He was awed with the glare of the neon lights, the many dishes in the restaurant, and the huge university campus he was smitten with.

In his heart, he resolved to be in the big city, to enjoy the luxuries the place brings, and be schooled in that huge campus. He kept his dream in his heart and slowly, he realized the dreams of his young mind. But having realized what he once dreamed of before, he now fancies of things far greater than what he has achieved. He weaves another dream, and once the new dream is realized, he weaves of still another, and another, in perpetuity.

That has been my story which can be yours too. But that is the story of humanity too, of man’s insatiable desire to go beyond what he already has, of man’s quest for far more greater things – this is man’s infinite hunger.

Man’s infinite hunger is both a boon and a bane of human existence. Can you imagine if Adam and Eve were contented of the paradise God has gifted them? Everyday would have been for them a moment of total bliss – no pain, no disease, and no hunger. But is that truly human existence? That life could have been the life of angels. How could they possibly enjoy and appreciate happiness without the experience of sadness? Happiness, without the danger of pain, is a conundrum. Is not what makes us happy is because of the triumph over pain and sadness?

Man has become what he is now because of his infinite hunger. Humanity has evolved in rapid pace because it is his nature to go beyond his present situation or status. A person who does not dream ceases to live. We have scaled Mt. Everest, dived into the deepest trenches, tinkered with the human gnome, explored the moon and other planets because that is part of the definition of man – always aspiring, always dreaming.

But his infinite hunger too is our boon, the boulder that the Sisyphus in us has to carry forever. Look around you. Have you heard of a billionaire who, not satisfied, still envies his friend who is richer and more famous than him? The next day, he is headline news. He is involved in corruption. You may ask: Why should a billionaire still have to commit crimes to amass wealth? Is it not that even in his lifetime and those of his grand children, the money he has amassed is already enough for luxurious lifestyle?

How many dictators, having tasted power, wanting to reign with absolute powers? Take Burma. The military junta has been ruling the Burmese people for 45 years now. In order to reign, the junta has to quell the opposition, imprison the leaders, gas the people, and lately, kill the monks. And they do these with seeming impunity. The junta is already ruling, but why not allow dissent? For absolute reign? Observe your local politicians. He started to get elected alone. Then, with his wife, later with his children, and still with his grandchildren. Not content with political power, he slowly intrudes into the businesses, and in order to strangle the competition, he wields his political clout. Ferdinand Marcos, the Philippine dictator for 20 years, even tried to intrude into literature by supplanting the legend of Malakas and Maganda( The Strong and the Beautiful) with his and his wife’s story. If he were still alive today, what could have prevented him from being the main actor in the Genesis story?

In fact, I may ask, why do I blog? Is not that knowing the finiteness of my existence, I still harbor in my heart the desire for eternal, that even if I should die, I still leave imprints of my existence? Even in the throes of death, man still quests for something greater than the present, something beyond him – the true mark of his infinity.